Tag Archives: Singleness

Theology Thoughts

Do you think we all have a soul mate?

soulmateI was hanging out with my 4-year son at a campground park near Yellowstone earlier this year when I met a pair of brothers traveling the USA with their folks. As the youngest brother ran around the park with my son, I struck up a conversation with the oldest one, a 17-year old high school student.

At first our conversation was fairly surface level – talking about racing cars, video games, music and, of course, the sites at Yellowstone National Park. As he talked I picked up on some ‘church lingo’ which led us deeper into conversation about church, Jesus and God. Then, out of the blue, the conversation shifted dramatically as this young man asked one of the most important questions of all, “Do you think we all have a soul mate?”

Wow…

How do you respond to a question like that? Do you go with the stereotypical pop-culture answer (“Of course we do!”)? Or the religious sounding one (“God has a plan for your life“)? Or, perhaps, do you go with the oh-look-at-the-time-I-have-to-go response and run away?

To be honest, all of those thoughts went through my head as I sat there on that playground…yet at the same time, I knew that I had to treat this question with gentleness and care as my response could impact his whole life and how he viewed marriage. I say that not in a prideful way as if I have all the answer – I say that as someone who used to be 17 and knows that words of all kinds (even stray words from a stranger) have a tendency to get stuck in one’s mind and indirectly influence decisions later in life. So I had to consider my answer carefully. I could have told him – yes, there is such a thing as a soul mate, and that some people believe it’s written in the constellations that they will be with someone who is perfect for them.

So what did I say?

Well, I started off at the beginning… about how the most important thing in the entire world – nay, the universe….nay the entire history of space and time – is to know and be known by the Creator of Heaven and Earth. Everything else is secondary.

This may sound callous and/or highly religious…yet it is the truth. Jesus himself told us that anyone who loves their mother, father, sister, brother, daughter or son more than him is not worthy of him (Matthew 10:37). Furthermore, he also said that following him is worth leaving behind everything – everything, as in, leaving behind your job, your dreams, your family, your TV, iPhone, internet, passions, clean water, heated and cooled housing, the nice car in the drive way and everything else that you may or may not have (Luke 5:1-11, Matthew 19:21-23, Matthew 13:44-46, and many, many others).

We – I – don’t like to hear this. In fact if any of you are like me, we tend to explain away those verses: “Oh, Jesus really didn’t mean that…he really wants us to have the good life. I mean, he did make Eve for Adam didn’t he? blab blab blab blab blab blab…”

Nope.

Sorry.

soulmates_died
what-if.xkcd.com

Getting a date, marring someone, working up the corporate ladder and having a nice house with a white picket fence is NOT the life Jesus called us to.

The life Jesus called us to is a life of joining him in changing the world. It is about a radical relationship with him that causes us to laugh in the face of death as we love and bless our enemies (Matthew 5:44). It is about having such a passion for telling people that they are free from the chains of death and sin that you would pack your belongings in a coffin and travel into the unknown.

It is about actively fighting the pull of our culture – turning down that nice boat, that awesome pair of shoes, or the coolest iPad so that you can take that homeless person out to eat… It is about be willing to pray for your boss’ hurt leg while at work surrounded by all your co-workers…most of whom will laugh at you. It is about finding out that we are made in the image of the Creator – meaning that we are valued and loved beyond belief.

So what about getting married? Aren’t you off topic and scaring the boy?

Nay, I’m not off topic as marriage must be seen in this light. You see, if you glace around and find someone of the opposite sex running next to you have you passionately pursue Jesus…someone who has the same underlining values and desire to go where Jesus says go and do what Jesus says do…well, marry that person.

If you glace around and there’s no one there, then re-focus on Jesus and keep running. Being single and celibate is not the end of the world. Jesus of Nazareth, Paul of Tarsus, and countless other men and women have lived and died without ever having sex or being married. In fact, Jesus and Paul (you know, the King of the Universe and the guy who wrote most of the New Testament) said that if you can, stay single and purse the Kingdom of God (Matthew 19:11-12 and 1 Corinthians 7:8-9).

So do we all have a soul mate that we are destined to marry?

No, we don’t. Some of us will stay single. Others will marry. Some people, such as those who perform for websites such as tubev.sex, will have lots of sex. Others will never experience sex. Still others will be single-parents, go through divorces, and other heart-wrenching events… yet in the end, we all have the same calling:

And [Jesus] said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.” –Luke 9:23-25 (emphasis added)

Current Events

Why As A Pastor I Dislike Mother/Father’s Day

happy_mothers_dayToday is Mother’s Day.

It is a day that has been set aside in the USA to honor mothers. Across the nation, thousands of fathers are waking up their children and helping to prepare breakfast for their mothers… Billions of card stocks have been sold for this day and notes are being carefully crafted and inked inside.

And in churches across the nation staff members are preparing flowers to give away to all the mothers… pastors are preparing nice talks about the value of being a mother…. etc. and etc….

The same scenario will play out in reverse next month with fathers being the target…

sigh. and double sigh…  🙁

While I know that I may on the statistically low end, I don’t like Mother/Father’s Day. Or, perhaps a better way of stating it would be, as a pastor I don’t like Mother/Father’s Day – which is to say that I don’t mind the day as a citizen of the United States.. I even bought Mother’s Day cards for the appropriate ladies in my family – and, yes, it is kinda of cool to get a card from my son on Father’s Day.

But, for all the good that these days do, I think they do even more damage when embraced by the church.

Think about this… when a church body makes a big deal about Mother/Father’s Day they are in essence telling its members that the parenthood is the goal of a Christian. Yes, I know that the churches wouldn’t say it that way…but I do think that is the message that comes across – especially once you consider that most churches are set up to cater to the family unit.

The sad truth is that folks who are single or don’t have kids are constantly pushed aside in favor of those who have children. I mean, when was the last time you heard singleness being promoted form the pulpit? Or a single person honored for being single? Or a couple praised for not having kids?

I would guess that most of the time single folks are told to keep looking for a partner. The general church culture basically is telling single people that unless they are married, they are reckless, uncommitted, and selfish. It is like the church in general has forgotten that Jesus, St. Paul and a lot of the early church fathers were single men. The Bible even goes as far as to tell us that if you are single, stay single and passionately pursue God (1 Corinthians 7:7-8, Matthew 19:10-12).

Let us not forget those couples who are married but don’t have children (either by choice or not). For them, a lot of of the church culture is equally bad. Having been married for ten years before adopting, I felt the sigma of not being a father. It was as if folks thought I couldn’t be a mature man or a great husband unless I had a child…It was like my manhood was depended upon me getting a women pregnant…

As crazy as it sounds, there is an underlining culture within our churches that, in my mind, puts WAY TOO much emphasis on having children and being married. Yes, they are both good things (and if you are single, don’t have sex). But they are not the end game.

So what is the point of all this… the point is that why you may celebrate Mother/Father’s Day in the home, please, please keep it in the home.

The gathering of the church should be a safe place where people of all types and backgrounds came come and worship God. They don’t need to be reminded of the pain in their lives – either for not having kids, having lost kids to miscarriages or abortions, or sickness, for having a bad relationship with their parents or whatever. They need a place where they can come and just embrace God and leave all that crap behind.

And if you know of someone that is hurting today (or will be next month), please reach out to them and love them. Please pay attention to who DOESN’T come to church today – as there will be those who will chose not to go to church as it is not a safe place today – and call them. Don’t give them crap; just listen to them and love them.

For those who want to read more about this subject, I would encourage you to read Maggi Dawn’s post, “Mothers’ Day: Something is Wrong.” Maggi is the Associate Professor of Theology and Literature, and Dean of Marquand Chapel, at Yale Divinity School/Yale Institute of Sacred Music and has some good thoughts about Mother’s Day.